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Weekly Blog

Most of Us Believe that We Have to Earn Love

Not easy to understand, nor admit for many, virtually all of us believe that we have to earn the love of others. Manifesting itself in many ways (topics for other blogs), the question becomes, how did this happen? What during our development created this in us? Read on. You may be surprised.

Think Back to Your Childhood

Think back to your childhood. If it was like mine, when you behaved or performed well, you received praise and basked in the excitement of your parents, family members, teachers, coaches, and friends. If you misbehaved or performed badly, it’s likely the reactions were much less pleasant. Perhaps you were scolded or corrected. Even harder, perhaps you felt ignored or set aside while others basked in the glory.

Most of us knew growing up that our parents loved us no matter what. But that didn’t change the fact that we wanted them to respond to us with praise, excitement, and pride, and it hurt when they didn’t.

For me, it started when I was young. I struggled academically, reading on a second-grade level in the fifth grade. I was tutored in reading for many years. My brother, one year younger, was/is very bright. My parents used to joke that he talked before he walked. He got all the praise and attention for his performance in the classroom. I didn’t.

The opposite and more positive occurred for me as well. Playing an impactful role on a championship football team my senior year of high school, I felt incredibly loved, with my personal and our team success celebrated by many.

How It Gets Reinforced

For most of us, the deep-seated belief that love is conditional or “earned” gets reinforced at a young age based on how we perform, whether we succeed or fail. The way people respond to us plays a big role in determining our self-worth. When we do well and our success is celebrated, we feel loved. When we fall short and are possibly criticized, we don’t feel loved or accepted. All of this contributes to our belief that we have to “earn” love.

It’s important to note that not all criticism is bad — in fact, constructive criticism can be incredibly life-giving when done right. Sometimes failure brings on destructive criticism though, which is never helpful or good, especially if it is derogatory towards the recipient. And although there are times when things are better left unsaid, silence as a response to our failure or poor performance can really hurt. Young people especially sense disappointment, and it’s often made even worse when nothing is said.

You Feel You Need to Prove Yourself

Regardless of the details of your particular experience, chances are you feel a need to prove yourself on some level. Almost all of us believe that we have to earn love, that it isn’t given unconditionally. We learn this from a young age and we take this belief into our adult lives. Striving to be loved, to be accepted, we learn to chase success, which everyone defines in a different way. Achieving success, regardless of the endeavor, makes us feel loved, accepted, and respected. We feel important and validated. And because we like those feelings, we keep pursuing more success.

Success Isn’t a Bad Thing

I’m not arguing that success is a bad thing, but I would suggest that understanding our drive for it is important. The purpose of Mark Joseph Ministries is to share with people how to go from being overwhelmed to fulfilled and further to determine how they (you) are MADE FOR GREATNESS!!! Believe it or not, that journey begins with you understanding that you are a person worthy of love precisely because you exist, not based on what you achieve. Although you’ve been conditioned for it, you don’t need to “earn” love.  

Please share any comments with me at Mark@MarkJosephMinistries.com.

May God Bless you on your journey to Peace, Joy, and Fulfillment!!!

Mark Joseph

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Weekly Blog

The Most Important Thing

We began this series the first week of the year, identifying that we’re all overwhelmed, with me indicating that sometimes we know it and sometimes we don’t. Over the next several weeks, I unpacked what it is that I believe contributes so dramatically to us being overwhelmed. It all begins with us growing up believing that we have to earn the love of other people (conditional love). The more or better we perform, the more love we perceive we receive. When we don’t perform well or to the satisfaction of others (not necessarily reality, but as perceived by us), we believe we aren’t liked, we aren’t loved. Think about it in your life. 

This conditional love causes us to lack self-love, which creates in us fear, which then prevents us from doing or trying what we’re truly called to, using our God given gifts, and meeting our full potential. Instead pursuing the things that society says will make us happy…prominence, possessions, pleasure, and people, we work tirelessly trying to earn the love of others and fill the God sized hole in the center of our chests. Overwhelmed, we feel like the hamster on the wheel in glass cage. 

Path to Peace, Joy, and Fulfillment

Over the next several weeks, we’re going to discuss the ONLY thing that can allow us to solve for the above. I’m going to detail for you the path that our Lord took me on, one of conversion, healing, and transformation…being the very best I can be, who He called me to be.  

As you’ll learn next week, it all begins with conversion, which is when we understand our identify in Christ, truly internalizing the unconditional love and forgiveness of God our Father.  This step is absolutely critical to your path to peace, joy, and fulfillment. Without it, you’ll never get there. 

Here’s an observation. Unless we know the love of Christ, little else matters. Over the last several years, I’ve come to say, if every Priest, and if we extend to the non-Catholic Christian world…every Pastor and Minister, gave every homily, sermon, and message, every Sunday for the next 5 years on the unconditional love of Christ, it just wouldn’t be enough…because we just don’t get it. 

Moreover, God made us for greatness, as identified in Scripture, i.e., Jeremiah 1:5 and 29:11. The problem…no one talks about it. How about this, which is absolute truth…

God loves you more than you’ll ever know, no matter what you’ve ever done. He made you with very special and unique gifts and talents, putting you on this earth for a specific purpose. God made you for Greatness!!! 

On page 71 of my book, I identify several ways you can help yourself towards conversion. If you don’t have a copy but would like the list, shoot me a note. 

As always, please feel free to contact me at Mark@MarkJosephMinistries.com, with questions, comments, concerns, or prayer requests. 

God Bless you on your Path to Peace, Joy, and Fulfillment!!!

Remember…God made you for GREATNESS!!!

Mark Joseph

Categories
Weekly Blog

Why You Believe You’re Loved

We grow up believing that we have to earn the love of others. The more or better we perform, the more love we perceive that we receive. How does this happen? Simple…you succeed at something, you receive all kinds of congratulations, pats on the back. You fail and you’re criticized. When intended to be constructive, it’s not always received that way. Sometimes the criticism is destructive, including no commentary at all. Many are familiar with the phrase, “the silence can be deafening”. It can be particularly hurtful to young people. It’s not done with malice or ill intent. It’s a human condition. 

My first and most glaring example of this is my high school football experience. Growing up in Pittsburgh in the 1970s (City of Champions), my brothers and I loved football, such that I started playing organized football in 6th grade. Having played successive years, sometimes as a starter and sometimes not, I quit football my sophomore year. Something I regretted for a longtime, I was intimidated by a coach. Ironically, I found the weight room and getting bigger, stronger, and faster, my identity began to take on that of my physical stature. 

I went back to football my junior year, followed by my senior season, where I didn’t start the first game. Noticed by a coach, I was moved from defensive back to defensive end, starting the rest of the season, for a team that won the championship for the second year in a row. 

All the hard work had finally paid off. Not only did I achieve several personal successes, but I was part of a team that was treated like heroes, like gods. The accolades were many and often, whether from our coaches and teammates, parents, siblings, and extended family, friends, classmates, school administration, teachers, broader school community, or the media. We, the entire team, were praised by everyone, everywhere we turned. We were celebrated for our success, treated like heroes, like gods.  

I tell you this story not to impress you. After all, it was a long time ago (literally 40 years ago), but to impress upon you how conditional love takes place. We grow up, given our experiences, believing that we have to earn the love of others. Feeling loved when we succeed, the experience is different when the opposite takes place. When we don’t perform well, we perceive that others don’t like our performance and aren’t accepting of us. We then internalize these things (positive and negative responses), with them driving much of what takes place in our lives, i.e., the hamster wheel. 

Next week we’re going to discuss what conditional love leads to and the behaviors it creates, all contributing to us being overwhelmed. There is “light at the end of the tunnel”, but first we’re going to unpack the things that create the challenges that we all experience. Stay tuned. 

Hope the above resonates with you…it does with most. As always, please feel free to contact me at Mark@MarkJosephMinistries.com with questions, comments, concerns, challenges, or prayer requests.  

God Bless you on your Path to Peace, Joy, and Fulfillment!!!

God made you for GREATNESS!!!

Mark Joseph