Tag: forgiveness

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What to do with Regret

We’re told we can expect two things in life, death and taxes. I often say a third we all experience is human tragedy. It doesn’t skip any of us…doesn’t matter our race or religion, gender, genetics, or socioeconomics. It could be something global like war, terrorism, or a natural disaster. Or it could be much closer to home like death of a loved one, divorce, addiction, or financial hardship. All of us are subject to it. 

One of the other things we all experience, I guess the 4th, is regret. If you’re human, you have regret. If you’re like me, you have regret. Regret is different than resentment, which is most often towards someone else….we typically resent others for offenses committed against us. 

Regret is a feeling of sorrow or remorse for a fault, act, loss, or disappointment. It’s typically what we feel when we’ve done something we wish we could take back…get a “do over”. It could be that we regret something that made a negative impact on us. More common I think is when we hurt someone else. Often times we’ve not done it intentionally. 

Bracketing my life in 10-year increments, I can remember regrets in every decade of my life. When I was single and married. Things I’ve done to my spouse, my kids, parents, siblings, and friends. Even collogues at work or mere acquaintances. Still to this day, I can’t tell you how many times I’d like to pull the words back in my mouth. Ouch!!!

So what do we do with it? You may have heard of Fr. Mike Schmitz. He’s not only a wildly popular speaker for our Steubenville Conferences, but the most popular Catholic podcaster there is, doing both the Bible in a Year and the Catechism in a Year. Not to my surprise, he has some great thoughts on regret. I’d suggest listening to his 8-minute talk here. In summary, he says, 

Have you ever heard the saying “don’t regret the past, because it’s made you into the person you are today?” While there’s truth to this saying, there’s also something that we as Christians should be aware of…we make mistakes, do things we wished we hadn’t, hurt those we love in the process.

While we don’t want to be burdened by the mistakes we’ve made, it’s safe to say that all of us have done things that didn’t make us the people God wants us to be.

Fr. Mike goes on to say…There’s a difference between regret and repentance, and it can best be seen when comparing St. Peter to Judas. Both men sinned gravely against the Lord: Peter denying Him during the time of His Passion and Judas delivered Him to crucifixion. The difference is, where Peter regretted his sins and repented, Judas let his sin consume him.

It’s okay to regret the things we’ve done in the past that took us away from the path of God, but we can’t dwell in this regret. Instead, we have to do something about it. We have to repent. Repentance is what gives us the strength to forgive ourselves and continue striving for the kingdom of Heaven. When we repent, we surrender ourselves and our mistakes to the Lord, and then He can use those mistakes to glorify our lives. God can use everything—even our worst sins—for our path towards eternity. Nothing given to God is ever wasted.

To me, repenting is authentically being remorseful (even apologizing) and trying to change….making improvements to who you are. 

At work we say the Divine Mercy Chaplet every day at 3PM.

One of the closing prayers reads as follows: Eternal God, in whom mercy is endless and the treasury of compassion inexhaustible, look kindly upon us and increase Your mercy in us, that in difficult moments we might not despair nor become despondent, but with great confidence submit ourselves to Your holy will, which is Love and Mercy itself.

God’s mercy is endless and He loves you more than you’ll ever know, no matter what you’ve ever done. He forgives you that much. We need to forgive ourselves.

As always, please feel free to contact me at [email protected] with comments, concerns, questions, or prayer requests. 

God Bless you on your Path to Peace, Joy, and Fulfillment!!!

Remember…God made you for Greatness!!!

Mark Joseph

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The Missing Ingredient 

Conversion is not a one-off event. While the initial moment of conversion may have been very powerful for many of us, the reality is that conversion takes place over a period of time and sets us on a journey to becoming who we’re meant to be. The next critical step on the journey is healing.

We all need healing. Regardless of who we are or what our experiences have been, we carry wounds. There are tragedies we’ve endured, hurts we’ve experienced, and fears we’ve lived with, all contributing to the wounds we’ve allowed to build up over time. If we truly want to live a fulfilling life, we need to allow ourselves to heal, and that takes some work. The first step is to let it all go, which is much easier said than done. The process of healing is some of the heaviest lifting you’ll do on this journey. It requires a lot of self-reflection and vulnerability. It means examining your faults and failings, your character flaws, your weaknesses. It often means asking for help.  

Why Forgive?  

It isn’t easy, yet refusing to forgive keeps us stuck in old patterns of self-loathing, fear, and resentment — all of those things that keep us feeling overwhelmed by life. Not forgiving leaves us stuck in the past. It causes emotional, physical, and spiritual issues. Forgiveness is first of all for our benefit, not the benefit of anyone who hurt us. It is only when we forgive that we can be free from the pain and hurt of the past. Forgiving helps us to grow. It is empowering. 

For me, the biggest challenge in forgiving others was owning up to my role in the situations that had hurt me. Coming to terms with that responsibility required a hard look in the mirror. To finally begin to forgive others in my life, I had to go through a process, which included first forgiving myself. Not easy, it took time. Thankfully, God was there to help me through it, just as he will be for you.

 

Forgiveness Begins with You

Forgiveness isn’t just about forgiving others. We also need to forgive ourselves, which often is the first step. Not forgiving yourself for past mistakes, constantly beating yourself up for them is exhausting.  

Refusing to forgive ourselves basically says that Jesus’ sacrifice was a waste of time. God forgives all, so if I refuse to forgive myself, I place myself above God. Our identity is who we are as God’s creation, put on this earth out of his love, restored through his Son’s sacrifice, made to be great and to live for his glory. 

None of this came quickly. I went from beating myself up several times an hour to once an hour. Then to every eight hours, then twenty-four hours, to every couple days,, and once a week. It was a process and a slow one. With all the progress I’ve made, I still occasionally go to that dark place, albeit rarely. If it’s slow for you, too, that’s okay. Just take it one day at a time, be patient with yourself, and continually renew your trust in God’s love.

Why Forgive Others?

When we’re caught up in seeking validation and love from other people, it can be really tough to forgive. The more we can rest in the conviction that God loves us, the easier it becomes to understand that other people’s faults and failings are owned by them and not a reflection of us. The fact is, most often people who hurt us aren’t maliciously attacking us, but dealing from a place of their own inadequacy and their own wounds. The more we can understand God’s love for us and for those who hurt us, the easier it becomes to let go of resentment. 

Although at times we will express it verbally, that doesn’t mean we have to say, “I forgive you” for it to count. And forgiving someone doesn’t mean condoning or endorsing their behavior. They can truly be in the wrong and you can (and should) still forgive them. Given my experience, there’s a freedom to doing it. It brings about peace, even joy. 

I hope all this helps. There’s so much more to say on this subject, with me dedicating an entire chapter to it in my book, including a powerful story about the process I went through. 

As always, please email me at [email protected] with any questions, comments, concerns, or prayer requests. 

God Bless you on your Path to Peace, Joy, and Fulfillment!!!

Remember…God made you for Greatness!!!

 

Mark Joseph

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Trapped by Our Wounds

Many of us are overwhelmed by the wounds that we have. Just like tragedy, which we discussed last week, wounds are inevitable. We’re going to have them…all of us. The question or issue is…how do we allow them to impact us? 

Sometimes the things that hurt us are obvious, i.e., tragedies, accidents, painful relationships, or confrontations with other people — these things are all external and it’s easy to recognize them as the source of our hurt. Other wounds are much less obvious. They are often the scars caused by our own emotions sustained over a period of time, i.e., anger, sadness, anxiety, doubt, or fear, perhaps related to the hurts we’ve experienced, perhaps not. Emotional health demands that we become aware of these wounds so we can start the process of healing and moving forward. 

Trapped by Resentment

Resentment toward those who have hurt us can deepen and exacerbate our wounds, with most of us having experienced holding a grudge. Many are trapped and overwhelmed by resentment, it often consuming us. As pointed out last week, there’s a painfully true saying that resenting someone else is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die. In reality, when you harbor resentment, the only person it really hurts is you. Even if the other person knows of it and feels its repercussions, the impact on them pales in comparison to the impact on you. Our resentment can negatively impact not only our view of the situation, but of the world we live in and the people around us.  

For quite a while, I was overwhelmed by my wounds and resentments, almost in disbelief that these seeming “injustices” could have happened to me. My first wife’s long struggle with alcoholism, the failure of our marriage, her death, the loss of my business … I experienced a range of emotions — sadness, despair, doubt, fear — and I remember being angry and bitter almost on a constant basis. It was real. It was penetrating. It hurt, sometimes almost physically. My resentments over these losses consumed me for a while. I felt very isolated, embarrassed to share the details with anyone. It was the most depressing time of my life. 

There is no question that people wrong us, hurt us, sometimes very deeply, whether with malice or not. But when we let this fact get in the way of us living with peace and joy, we only hurt ourselves. 

So how do we get out of habits of resentment and hurt? It is said that the first step in solving a problem is recognizing that there is one. We need to recognize the issues that plague us, many of which are the types of wounds referenced above. Self-discovery is an important step in healing. So is research and study in helping to find solutions. Healing might also require reaching out to someone like a friend or mentor, even a therapist. Our fear in facing our wounds can be massively diminished if we don’t try to go through it all alone. 

Time Heals all Wounds 

There is at least partial truth to the saying that time heals all wounds. It was true for me. As time went on, the pain diminished and healing began to set it. That said, time alone would not have moved me past my many resentments. It was critical that I take ownership of my role in each of the painful circumstances, recognizing that I bore real responsibility for what had happened to me. And that difficult realization took time. My old wounds of low self-esteem and low self-worth, having been unresolved to that point, added to the pain of these new wounds and fostered a lot of resentment. It wasn’t until I started the challenging process of fixing myself that I could humbly acknowledge my role in my circumstances and start to heal. You can do it too!!!

I look forward to continuing to accompany you on this journey. As always, please forward any questions, comments, concerns, or prayer requests to me at [email protected]. 

God Bless you on your Path to Peace, Joy, and Fulfillment!!!

Remember…God made you for Greatness!!!

Mark Joseph

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Weekly Blog

The Recipe for Forgiveness

Do you have trouble forgiving others? Forgiving yourself? Do you hold resentments? The fact is that ongoing conflict with others is one of the primary impediments to peace in our lives. 

In last week’s blog, I cited Reverend Rick Warren of Saddleback Church. Although I don’t intend to make a long-term habit of it, I’m doing so again here. Rev. Rick has a great formula for forgiveness. Paraphrased below, you can get the full post here.

As per Rev. Rick, when you find yourself in the midst of conflict, here’s a simple five-step, biblical path to peace.

PLAN a peace meeting. (Matthew 5:24)

Take the initiative. Don’t wait for the other person to make the first move. It doesn’t matter if you’re the offended or the offender. It’s always your move. Take the initiative because Jesus said so. Plus, it shows that you’re more mature.

You will never resolve conflict accidentally. You must intentionally deal with it or it will never go away. In Matthew 5:24, Jesus emphasizes that you’re to begin this process “at once” . It’ll get harder the longer you wait.

EMPATHIZE with their feelings. (Philippians 5:24)

Once you begin the peace meeting, start with the other person’s pain. You’re usually thinking of your own hurts when you’re upset. You need to do the opposite. Think more about the other person than yourself. Try to understand the pain behind their angry words. Ask yourself, “How can I help the other person?”

One benefit of conflict is that it usually leads to greater intimacy in the relationship because it helps you better understand the other person as you empathize with their pain.

ATTACK the problem, not the person. (Proverbs 15:1)

You can’t focus on fixing the problem and fixing the blame at the same time. If you go to the peace meeting thinking you’ll blame the other person, then forget it. You can’t make peace like that. Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer quiets anger, but a harsh one stirs it up”.

Engage your mind before you engage your mouth. Then say helpful words, not ones that tear the other person down. As Paul writes in Ephesians 4:29, use “only helpful words, the kind that build up and provide what is needed”.

COOPERATE as much as possible. (Romans 12:18)

Be a bridge-builder and not a bridge-destroyer. In Romans 12:18, the Bible reminds us to live at peace with everyone, as much as possible. Your ability to get along should be a hallmark of your Christian life.

That means you must be willing to pay the cost. Peacemaking always has a cost. It will cost your ego and selfishness. You’ll need to give up your desire to always be right. And when you do, you’ll begin to build bridges.

EMPHASIZE reconciliation, not resolution. (2 Corinthians 5:18)

Reconciliation doesn’t mean you’ll resolve all the problems in your relationship. It simply means to reestablish the relationship. Often you have legitimate differences in your relationships and will never fully resolve them. Reconciliation means you bury the hatchet, not the issue. You keep talking about it, but you talk about it harmoniously. 

Reconciliation focuses on the relationship, not the problem.

The Bible tells us in 2 Corinthians 5:18 that God has modeled reconciliation for us. When you work to reconcile your relationships, you’re doing what God has already done in your relationship with Him. Working toward reconciliation is the most Christlike thing you can do.

You can become a peacemaker in your home, in your organization, and in your community. The Bible tells us, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God” (Matthew 5:9). 

You’ll notice that the first letter of the above steps create the acronym PEACE. I love how Rev. Rick always references Scripture. It’s a great reminder that all of life’s lessons can be found in the Bible and are taught by the Church. As indicated last week, you can find Rev. Rick at https://pastors.com. 

As always, please feel free to contact me at [email protected] with questions, comments, concerns, challenges, or prayer requests.  

God Bless you on your Path to Peace, Joy, and Fulfillment!!!

God made you for GREATNESS!!!

Mark Joseph