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Week #3 – Lack of Self-Love

This is the 3rd of our 14-week program, where we provide Lesson #3, Lack of Self-Love. This is a tough issue, which requires honest (and vulnerable) self-assessment. So, here are some questions to consider:

  • After you’ve done something, i.e. an interaction, project, performance (sports, speech, etc.) of some kind, do you find yourself second-guessing yourself?
  • Given the above, do you beat yourself up, which turns into not liking yourself…not loving yourself?
  • What is the impact on your life? During your day? Over the course of your week?

When writing my book, I wanted to vet the concepts with my therapist. I said to her something like, “70-75% of people suffer from lack of self-love”. She scoffed at me, laughing. I’ll never forget it. I said, “what do you mean?” She then said that based on her experience and research, that “lack of self-love afflicts more than 95% of us”.

Think about it in your life…

  • You do something where you believe you’ve not performed well or not met the expectations of others.
  • You believe that they didn’t like what/how you did it (true or not), then inferring that they don’t like you. You become hyper-critical of your actions.
  • It being a constant source of concentration, you beat yourself up, not like yourself, not believing you deserve to be loved, then not loving yourself.

 

Photo by Tim Mossholder from Pexels

If we’re honest, the above resonates.

Same Was True for Me
That was certainly the case for me. Born mostly out of the conditional love (needing to earn the love of others) we talked about last week (Lesson #2), I was beating myself up on a regular basis. According to that same therapist, it was stealing the energy from me to live a happy and fulfilled life.

From the outside, I was this confident guy, who had it all together…nice family, good business, nice things, and I was crumbling inside. It wasn’t just her theory. It was real….I had no peace or joy in my life. I was on that hamster wheel (Lesson #1) and I was exhausted, deflated, frustrated….overwhelmed.

Here’s the Truth About the Situation
Those closest to you, who truly love you, family and friends, could care less how you perform. They’re going to love you anyhow.

No one judges you as harshly as you judge yourself. You, like so many others, hold yourself to unrealistic standards. Yet your worth, your value as a person, has nothing to do with how you perform.

God loves you more than you’ll ever know, no matter what you’ve ever done.

Suggested Actions
So what do we do about it? As indicated, there are no “quick” fixes to anything in life, including LACK OF SELF-LOVE. In future lessons, I’m going to provide guidance on a more comprehensive fix that we can’t get to until covering more material. In the interim, I would suggest:

  • Think about the following questions. Take them to prayer. We can only understand an issue if we identify it. Ponder (think/pray) the following:
    • When was the last time you beat yourself up?
    • Think through what actually occurred in the situation. Looking at it as objectively as you can, how did you perform? Did the job get done? Were the goals primarily met?
    • Understanding that the answers to the above are typically “yes”, how did you allow the circumstance impact you…your day, that evening, even the balance of the week?
    • Imagine what things would have felt like that day or week if you didn’t have this self-doubt.
  • During your morning prayer routine this week:
    • Offer your negative thoughts up to the Lord (discard them, give them to Him), basking in His love and internalizing your true worth. Replace those thoughts with words like “I am loved” and “my value doesn’t lie in what I do”.
    • Try to concentrate on the positive. What are the good things in your life? The occurrences? Relationships? Job? Health? It would help to jot them down.
  • Watch this Friday’s video on this same subject….it will be emailed to you.

Please join us next Wednesday for Week #4 when we talk about FEAR. As always, please feel free to get to me with questions, comments, or concerns at [email protected].

God Bless you on your Path to Peace, Joy, and Fulfillment!!!

Mark Joseph

 

Week #1 – Being Overwhelmed
Week #2 – Earning the love of others
Week #3 – Lack of self-love
Week #4 – Fear
Week #5 – False gods, False happiness
Week #6 – Life’s Tragedies
Week #7 – Wounds, Resentments

Week #8 – Discovering God’s Love
Week #9 – Forgiveness and healing
Week #10 – Becoming the best Possible You
Week #11 – Path to Peace
Week #12 – Finding your Purpose
Week #13 – You were made for Greatness
Week #14 – True Peace, Joy, and Fulfillment

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Weekly Blog

Week #2 – Having to Earn the Love of Others

This is the 2nd of our 14-week program, where we provide Lesson #2, Having to Earn the Love of Others. So here are some questions to consider:

  • When growing up, do you remember times when performing well made you feel more loved?
  • Or how about when you failed at something or perceived that you failed, did you feel less loved?
  • Although you don’t do it intentionally (none of us do), do you treat people differently based on their performance, i.e. your kids, coworkers

The most glaring example of this issue in my life was winning the high school football championship my senior year. No matter where my teammates and I went, we were treated like heroes, like gods. Regardless of whether it was the school administration, our teachers, and classmates, or family…parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and cousins, the media, friends outside of school, or the broader community…we were celebrated for our successes individually and collectively.

Having come from an incredibly loving home, the above made me feel more loved based on my success, us winning. Think about it in your own life. Based on my research, I’m quite sure you’ve experienced it.

Photo by Pixabay from Pexels

No Malice Intended

It’s not done intentionally or with malice. Most of us had good upbringings. That said, most also grow up believing, based on our lived experiences, that we have to excel to be loved. Stated another way, we fear that if we don’t perform well, we won’t be loved. And at a fundamental level, we all want to be loved; we all want to be accepted.

As we’re going to learn in future lessons, believing that we have to earn the love of others isn’t a good thing. It drives behaviors related to our own self-development, in addition to the way we treat others, that aren’t healthy. 

Suggested Actions

As indicated, there are no “quick” fixes to anything in life, including feeling the need to earn the love of others. That said, as we move through these 14 lessons, I’m going to give you things that helped me in my life.

Specific to this lesson, I would suggest:

  • Think about the following questions. Take them to prayer. Reference Daily Dialogue with God at this past blog for guidance. We can only understand an issue if we identify it. Ponder (think/pray) the following:
    • How did “earning the love of others” occur in your life?
    • How are you seeing it occur in others’ lives?
    • What do you think the impact was then?
    • How has what occurred then impacted you now?
  • We need to learn to separate our role (carpenter, banker, electrician, dietician, teacher) from our identity (loved children of God). Think and pray about the following:
    • God does not call us because we are worthy, but because we are wanted.
    • God does not call the qualified; He qualifies the called.
    • St. Augustine wrote, “God loves each of us as if there was only one of us to be loved”.
  • During your morning prayer routine (from last week), in addition to taking your worries and stresses to the Lord, asking for His peace, also bask in His love. You can meditate on each of the phrases just above, in addition to “I am a loved child of God”.
  • Watch this Friday’s video on this same subject….it will be emailed to you.

Please join us next Wednesday for Week #3 when we talk about lack of self-love. As always, please feel free to get to me with questions, comments, or concerns at [email protected].

God Bless you on your Path to Peace, Joy, and Fulfillment!!!

Mark Joseph

 

Week #1 – Being Overwhelmed
Week #2 – Earning the love of others
Week #3 – Lack of self-love
Week #4 – Fear
Week #5 – False gods, False happiness
Week #6 – Life’s Tragedies
Week #7 – Wounds, Resentments

Week #8 – Discovering God’s Love
Week #9 – Forgiveness and healing
Week #10 – Becoming the best Possible You
Week #11 – Path to Peace
Week #12 – Finding your Purpose
Week #13 – You were made for Greatness
Week #14 – True Peace, Joy, and Fulfillment

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Weekly Blog

Week #1 – Being Overwhelmed

This kicks off our 14-week program, where we provide Lesson #1, Being Overwhelmed. So here are some questions to ponder:

  • How is it that you’re overwhelmed (we all are)?
  • What are the sources of the problem…what’s causing you to be overwhelmed?
  • Has Coronavirus exacerbated the situation or are you less overwhelmed than in normal times?
 Photo by Nik Shuliahin on Unsplash

In many of the talks that I give, I ask by show of hands who is overwhelmed? Time after time, talk after talk, just about everyone puts their hands up. So many of us are overwhelmed. When times are good we may not realize it, although the pace is no less, i.e. long hours at work, racing the kids around to their activities, doing the chores of everyday life, exercise, hobbies, our social lives, etc. Although overwhelmed, some of us even thrive on the pace.

When things are challenging, like when we have relationship problems, may be experiencing a personal or family crisis, financial issues, or otherwise, we know we’re overwhelmed because we’re feeling it regularly.

The Same Was True for Me

The above was very true for me in my life. I was trying to run a business that had its challenges, demanding tons of my time. Our kids were of the ages that all 3 were incredibly active, but no one had a license yet. So, we were always running them from activity to activity. At the same time my first wife suffered from addiction badly, which really complicated our family dynamic. Believe me when I say that I was OVERWHELMED.

They (whoever “they” are) say “misery loves company”. Here’s the good news…you’re not alone. It doesn’t matter whether you’re just out of high school or college, new or advanced in your career (even retired), wildly successful or struggling. You could be single or married, have a house full kids or be an empty-nester. It doesn’t matter your religion, race, or gender….so many of us are overwhelmed.

Suggested Actions

There are no “quick” fixes to anything in life, including being OVERWHELMED. That said, as we move through these 14 lessons, I’m going to give you things that helped me in my life in going from being Overwhelmed to a place of Peace, Joy, and Fulfillment.

I would suggest:

  • Think about the questions I pose above. Take them to prayer. In this past blog, I discuss a way to pray, titled Daily Dialogue with God, which would be good to use here.
  • Think (pray) about and write down 2-3 ideas on how you could reduce the pace and stress in your life…simple steps you can take into your morning or evening routines, i.e. turn off your phone, spend intentional time with your family.
  • Create a morning prayer routine, taking your worries and stresses to the Lord, asking for His peace. Prayer works…it really does.
  • Watch this Friday’s video on this same subject….it will be emailed to you.

Please join us next Wednesday for Week #2 when we talk about feeling the need to earn the love of others. As always, please feel free to get to me with questions, comments, or concerns at [email protected].

God Bless you on your Path to Peace, Joy, and Fulfillment!!!

Mark Joseph

 

Week #1 – Being Overwhelmed
Week #2 – Earning the love of others
Week #3 – Lack of self-love
Week #4 – Fear
Week #5 – False gods, False happiness
Week #6 – Life’s Tragedies
Week #7 – Wounds, Resentments

Week #8 – Discovering God’s Love
Week #9 – Forgiveness and healing
Week #10 – Becoming the best Possible You
Week #11 – Path to Peace
Week #12 – Finding your Purpose
Week #13 – You were made for Greatness
Week #14 – True Peace, Joy, and Fulfillment

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Weekly Blog

What Does the NFL Draft Have to do with Easter Sunday?

Prior to the inaugural National Football League (NFL) draft in 1936, players were free to sign with any club, which made the stronger teams even stronger and created much disparity. On May 19th, 1935, the league owners adopted a plan for a college player draft. Proposed by Bert Bell, the Eagles owner and future NFL commissioner, the plan called for teams to select players in inverse order of their finish the previous season.

Starting with 9 rounds in 1936, it expanded to 10 and eventually 20, before being reduced back down to 12 rounds, which it has today. In massively meeting its objective of parity between teams, it was adopted by all the other leagues, i.e. MLB, NHL, NBA, changing sports universally. For the NFL, it’s become a HUGE event, with literally millions tuning in every year.

Image by the Post Gazette

NFL teams over the years have built their success on the draft and the great picks they’ve made, whether it be San Francisco in the 80s, Dallas in the 90s, or numerous other teams during the league’s history. Without question, the first to do it with such great success was the Pittsburgh Steelers, under coach Chuck Noll. Before free agency, the dynasty that won four Super Bowls in the 70s, did it entirely on the strength of the draft, with Hall of Famers from the first round that include Terry Bradshaw, Joe Greene, Franco Harris, and Lynn Swann. Add to the list other Steeler Hall of Famers from the 70s…Stallworth, Webster, Ham, Lambert, Blount, and Shell.

Forgive me for this walk down memory lane, but growing up in Pittsburgh, in the 70s was a special time for Steeler fans. It was incredible to be part of it Sunday after Sunday, Super Bowl after Super Bowl.

So what is it about the NFL Draft, that will take place between tomorrow, April 23rd, and Saturday, April 25th that reminds me of Easter? I think the answer is “hope”. Think about it. Regardless of the team you root for, no matter the sport, when it comes to the annual draft, you anxiously wait, or at least are interested in, who the first several picks will be. Particularly when it comes to your team, you wonder what impact the player is going to have. You’re hopeful that it will be positive and significantly so. You have hope for the future (of your team), yet there is still the unknown. Will the draft choice develop into a star? Will the team perform well?

Image by DesignPics

I hope (no pun intended) you don’t think poorly of me because of this analogy, but I think the above relates to Easter Sunday. Jesus’ resurrection gives us hope. Knowing how Jesus had to love us to die on the Cross, gives us hope. Our faith gives us hope. Although we “know” the end of the story, that we won, that Jesus promises us salvation, there’s still the unknown. Although we have hope, we have questions like:

  • Will I go to Heaven? How do I get there?
  • What type of life am I to live on earth?
  • What’s my purpose? My call?

In short, it’s up to you. Ironically, you can gain salvation by living Heaven here on earth. That’s done by loving God, loving your neighbor, embracing your God given purpose, and following God’s will….which is the ONLY path to Peace, Joy, and Fulfillment.

So like with the NFL draft, where we have hope yet uncertainties, the same is true in knowing that Jesus rose from the dead. Unlike the draft though, when it comes to Jesus’ Resurrection and its impact on your life, it’s all up to you.

As always, feel free to contact me at [email protected] with comments, questions, or concerns.

God Bless you on your Path to Peace, Joy, and Fulfillment!!!

Mark Joseph