Have you ever heard that resenting someone else is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die? It doesn’t work. Instead, it’s you who’s dying (or at least suffering), with the other person often not even knowing that he or she hurt you. If the resentment is significant enough, it can consume you and your every activity, robbing you of the peace, joy, and fulfillment that you deserve.
My Poison
This was true of me for the longest time. Having experienced significant tragedy in my life, I had some deep wounds, accompanied by some real resentments. For a long while, they’re all I thought about. I couldn’t get them or the people who caused them out of my head. Neither concentrating on them nor complaining helped. Nothing did until I began the healing process. More on that shortly.
It is said that there are two things that all of us can expect in life, death and taxes. I would argue that there’s a third, human tragedy. Regardless of whether its global, i.e. war or a natural disaster, or something closer to home like divorce, death of a loved one, or a major financial crisis, it all becomes personal. These conflicts and tragedies cause hurts and wounds that often become resentments.
People Wound Out of Their Woundedness
My lived experience is that although there is sometimes malice involved (real intent to harm), that most often people hurt us unintentionally out of their own woundedness, inadequacies, and insecurities. They often don’t realize they’re hurting the other person or aren’t intending to do so, endeavoring to avoid conflict (albeit the wrong way) instead.
Not being in a healthy place ourselves, many of us internalize the faults and failings of others as our own, as a reflection of us….which is wrong and unhealthy. All of this plays into why we have to forgive, for the benefit of the other…sure, but really to the benefit of ourselves.
I Had to Own My Own Stuff
For me to forgive those who I resented, I first needed to forgive myself, understanding and owning my role in each of the situations. I did so by bringing someone alongside me, a Christian therapist. It doesn’t have to be a therapist for you (it could be a priest, pastor, mentor, or friend), but my experience is that there is nothing like having an educated, experienced, independent person who is invested in you being the best you can be.
Healing isn’t like flipping a switch. After several sessions and many copays, I finally got there. Having experienced conversion and feeling the unconditional love and forgiveness of God, realizing that Jesus would have died that same tortuous death on the Cross if it were only me on this earth, I could finally forgive myself. In doing so, I forgave the others too. I can’t describe to you the peace I felt. It was and is unbelievable and undeniable.
Forgiving is For You
The more that we can rest in the conviction that God loves us (therefore not relying on what others think), the easier it is to understand that people’s faults and failings are owned by them and not a reflection of us. The fact is that most people who hurt us are doing so from a place of their own inadequacy and woundedness. Further, 95% of the way people respond or react to you is more about them and their feeling of inadequacy than it is about you or the situation.
Forgiving doesn’t mean condoning or endorsing bad behavior. Forgiveness doesn’t need to be done in person, nor spoken to the offending party. We need to forgive in our hearts, so that we can heal from the hurts, which will free us to be our very best.
Please comment to me at Mark@MarkJosephMinistries.com.
May God Bless you on your Path to Peace, Joy, and Fulfillment!!!